Taming Tiger Mom

Discipline is derived from the Latin word, "discipulus" which means "learner".  That makes you, the parent  their "teacher". 

Before I go on to speak about discipline let's clarify that I am referring  to children over 2.5 years old.  Discipline and babies should never be used in the same sentence!  At that age it's more about distraction than discipline.

"The truth is, no matter how trying they become, babies two and under don't have the ability to make moral choices, so they can't be bad.  That category only exists in the adult mind."

- Anne Cassidy

 How many times have I heard?: "She's a bad sleeper." "He's a bad burper."  "She's a bad nurser." "He's lazy." "She hates my right breast."  "He hates my left." "She is using me as a human pacifier!" "He is killing me!"  "She refuses the bottle." "He won't  sleep on his own."  "She is spoiled" 

Honestly, people!  Listen to the language we are using in reference to our little babies who come into this world pure, loving and trusting!   Sounds silly now, doesn't it?   Babies are not villains, out to manipulate, outsmart us and ruin our lives yet we tend to refer to them as such. (whose the baby here?)    

Disciplining a child is a delicate process and is probably the thing that we feel most uncomfortable about, because why?  it's about power imbalance!  Not all of us are good at handling or managing power, probably because we didn't have the best role models ourselves. Discipline is woven into the fabric of who we are, it's a way of relating to the world, it is not a separate experience of parenting. It creeps into every aspect of the parent-child relationship and is reflected in every interaction. 

When asked what the chief differences between the western style of parenting and the Chinese style of parenting Amy Chua Yale law professor and self-described "tiger mother," answered: 

"I think the biggest difference is that I've noticed Western parents seem much more concerned about their children's psyches, their self-esteem, whereas tough immigrant parents assume strength rather than fragility in their children and therefore behave completely differently. … I think it goes without saying that love and understanding have to come first, without that it's nothing."

Frankly, it was difficult to find the "love and understanding" in most of her book which I felt was quite to the contrary -harsh.

Discipline is really about helping a child learn about the meaning of balance. When balance has not been integrated into a child's upbringing, disciplining methods are used to bring a situation gone awry back into a state of harmony. What we realize later is that poor discipline or introducing discipline too late in the day could send the situation into a serious mess. The root of all confusion is broken communication and lack of understanding.

Parents adopt different styles of discipline and punishment based on what they have learned in their childhood, or as a reaction to what they were exposed to. If one's parent was extremely authoritarian, inflexible and used physical punishment, then as a parent one might imitate that.  

For instance, the "Little White Donkey" incident that pushed many readers over the edge.  That was the name of the piano tune that Amy Chua, forced her 7-year-old daughter Lulu to practice for hours on end — "right through dinner into the night," with no breaks for water or even the bathroom, until at last Lulu learned to play the piece.01.20.11 Time Magazine  

In contrast, parenting can rebound the other way to become extremely lenient. Either way, you are not responding in a productive way to creating balance in your child's upbringing, or your parenting style. The art of discipline is something you can learn only by being able to discipline yourself in a wholesome, healthy, and compassionate manner; every style of parenting is a reflection of one's own self-perception. 

So is Amy Chua's style of parenting a reflection of her own self-perception?  I'm sure it is.

 "At its best I think it's not about achievement, but about trying to help your child be the best they can be and it's usually more than they think. It's saying “I believe in you so much that I know you can be excellent, and I'm going to sacrifice everything and be in the trenches with you and I don't care if you hate me while you're a kid and I'm just not going to let you give up.” That's, I think, a positive message. Amy Chua (Chew-Ah), Time Magazine interview 01.11.11

Most of us can agree that parents need to be firm and strict at times.  Children actually need to feel that you are in charge, it gives them a sense of security.  But discipline with love means to be caring, kind and considerate.  In the same respect, parenting with love doesn't mean crippling, enabling or co-dependency.  

The successful child is one who has learned how to overcome the inevitable losses and move on, not one who has been protected from all difficulties.  Resilience is a much better measure of a child's ability to thrive than a lack of bumps in the road.   

Just to "break it up a little" some comic relief from some famous people about parenting and kids. 

The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

- Bill Cosby

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

- Phyllis Diller

There comes a time when a woman needs to stop thinking about her looks and focus her energies on raising her children.  This time comes at the moment of conception.  A child needs a role model, not a supermodel. 

- Astrid Alauda (author, Pippi Longstocking)

"When a child turns 13 you should put him in a barrel, nail the lid down and feed him through a knot hole. When he turns 16, plug the hole!" 

- Mark Twain

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

— Erma Bombeck

If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent. 

- Bette Davis

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy."

- Michelle Pfeiffer 

In all fairness to Amy Chua, I commend her honesty and integrity in explaining why she wrote her book: Tiger Mom. 

“I didn't write this book to tell people how to parent. In fact, I wrote this book in a moment of crisis. I was raised by extremely strict but extremely loving Chinese immigrant parents. To this day I adore them and I feel I owe them everything. I tried to raise my children the same way. My daughter rebelled against this kind of parenting and I felt like my family was falling apart.  So the book is about many of the strengths I see in that kind of parenting but it's also about the mistakes.”

Amy Chua (Chew-Ah), Time Magazine interview 01.11.11

We are all far from perfect and everyone has the right to voice their opinion and raise their family as they see fit.  I think we all learned something from the discussions that have taken place since her book came out.  It helped to  raise our awareness. Keeping us ever vigilant to pause and "check ourselves" from time to time. 

What did I come away with ?  Looking at discipline as simply instruction instead of punishment.  We are the teachers, they are the students.

"It is not your job to make your child happy; it is your job to teach your child appropriate behavior that will potentially foster his happiness." - Susan Merkel, MD

How to Have a Good Fight - 10 Rules of Engagement

This past Sunday in church, Pastor Clay Porr's  message was on How to Have a Good Fight. 10 Rules of Engagement.  

This is important stuff.  Pastor Clay said almost every fight a couple engages in has to do with: money, children or the having of children.  Sound familiar?  The important thing is not whether you fight or not because it is inevitable.  Disagreements are going to happen especially now that your lives have been turned upside down! 

So, I trust this will help and remember both parties need to follow the rules in order for it to work. All is NOT fair in love and war!

!0 Rules of Engagement

1. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

You don’t have to fight every battle. In fact, if you want to have harmony in your family, you need to overlook minor offenses whenever possible.

2. Don’t sweep it under the rug.

On the other hand, if you can’t overlook the problem, you have to deal with it. Don’t just sweep it under the rug. Otherwise, the pile will build up and become much more difficult to handle.

3. Look in the mirror.

Before you begin arguing, ask yourself, “How have I contributed to this problem?” In the hundreds of times I’ve helped people with relationship issues, never once have I seen a situation in which only one person was at fault.

4. Hold hands.

Even if you don’t physically hold hands, remember that you’re part of the same family. The person you’re arguing with is someone you love. Act like it!

5. Identify the issue.

If you can both agree how to describe the issue you’re dealing with, half of the battle is over. Agreeing on the problem doesn’t solve it, but you can’t solve it if you don’t agree what it is.

6. Seek to understand.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood. A great way to do this is to restate what the other person said and ask if your understanding is accurate. We’re so quick to want to make our own points. But, if we’re willing to make the effort to make sure the other person knows we’ve understood them, the problem will get solved much more quickly.

7. Keep it current.

If you keep bringing up the past, you’ll never be able to move forward in your relationships. We can’t change the past, and we can’t expect our loved ones to change it either.

8. Avoid absolutes.

Never say “never” again! Don’t say “you always.” Don’t exaggerate what the other person has said or done; and don’t minimize your own shortcomings.

9. Apologize sincerely.

Do you want to know the quickest way to end a fight? Surrender! Apologize sincerely.

Don’t just say “I’m sorry if you were offended.” Or, “I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t done this.” Don’t minimize your offense. Don’t shift the blame. Be specific. Own your junk.

10. Forgive fully.

Forgive and don’t bring it up again.

Forgiveness means accepting the consequences for the other person’s actions. If you lend me $1000 and I don’t pay it back and you forgive that debt, you’re out $1000. You’re bearing the consequences of my failure to pay that debt. It costs you something. The same is true when we forgive one another when we hurt each other.

We talk about forgiving and forgetting. The problem is that we usually can’t forget, and so we’re tempted to bring up the offense again. But true forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, it means not bringing up the offense again even when we can’t forget it. That’s pretty difficult to do. But necessary.

Book Review: What Your Pediatrician Doesn't Know Can Hurt Your Child A More Natural Approach to Parenting by Susan Markel MD

Well anyone that knows me will tell you I am not a big fan of most of the parenting/baby books out there.  Bonfire material mostly...I have been known to say, "That's why I haven't written my book yet...it would be one page long stating, "Don't read any books!"


Anywho,  low and behold I was sent a copy of the above book.  Title - right up my alley, of course.  The following was the gist of the cover letter accompanying it:  


It’s a really interesting book that encourages mothers to take a more natural approach, and to trust their instincts when it comes to raising emotionally and physically healthy children. As a pediatrician who has devoted her career to the support and promotion of breastfeeding, along with more accurate evidence-based information for parents, I’m quite gratified to see my book finally published and on bookshelves. It is the culmination of my efforts to create mindful and compassionate parenting, beginning with the best and most important start: breast milk and nothing but.  Further, throughout, the book I discuss ways for readers to respect the environment, to avoid raising a generation of super-consumers and to bring peace of mind into our lives without harming either our vulnerable children, or our surroundings. If you have ever been frustrated, or simply not satisfied, with traditional medical advice that is being given to new parents, or if you are eager for accurate information, you will likely find my book quite enlightening.  The first chapter, FROM BIRTH ONWARD, explains the real story behind standard (and often unnecessary) newborn medical procedures such as treatment of bilirubin, eye prophylaxis, hepatitis B vaccine and others.


Here is Dr Merkel's back round - I was impressed:
Board-Certified Pediatrician who has a private consultative practice special­izing in parent coaching and child health. A graduate of Tufts University School of Medicine in Boston, I became a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics in1981, and an International Board Certified Lactation Con­sultant (IBCLC) in 1997. For many years I was a medical liaison for La Leche League and a member of the research advisory counsel at Attachment Parenting International. You can read more about her philosophy, which is expanded upon in the book, at her website: www.AttachmentParentingDoctor.com


I have to say, "Love this book with the exception of Chapter 6 - The Good Enough Mother - which I recommend you just skip right over or since I have spurred your curiosity read it but please, don't practice it.

I received your book today and am about half way through.  So far, I absolutely love it except for chapter 6, not quite sold on the "Transitional object" in theory or practice. I think the introduction of such at 6 month is too early if at all. Don't you think as a culture we are too attached to objects instead of people? I feel if you wait for the child's readiness for independance they will do so without the need for an attachment object. If babies/children are neglected or left then yes I assume they would need something but otherwise it's a poor substitute for a person and scary when a child can go nowhere without the object. I just don't buy the theory even though I realize why it would "work"  but your basically pawning off your baby to an object.  If an older child chooses to drag a favorite toy around I don't think it should be discouraged but to reinforce the idea to a 6mo doesn't sit right with me That object will never do what a real person can.

Anyway just me feedback so far I will keep reading.

p.s. - Dr Merkel did respond to say that she will take it into consideration if the book goes into reprint.

Conclusion:  I am going to be very honest and blunt here.  I live in what I consider a poisoned environment every day (professionally), please do not take offense I don't mean you!  So, it is not always easy and sometimes very lonely, swimming against the current. Many of us have discussed socialogica/psychological reasons why people have to stick to their ways of thinking, but suffice it to say that it makes them feel safe that way, to have their team rules to play by and root for. This is addressed somewhat in the book, I have to give Dr Merkel credit for "sticking out her neck" although in general the tone of the book is very positive , but in being positive she brings out the fallacies of those poisoning ways of thinking.

(ie the AAP)

I think that most of you will really like the book and that it will help you to take a stand against the nay-sayers. Would it help to have them read the book? Probably not. It might make it worse as they would have to take a stand against the ideas in the book which make them feel uncomfortable. 

Hey, it is what it is....  Personally I felt somewhat vindicated since much of the book is information and ideas that I have been trying to circulate and share for years.  Frankly,  if it weren't for the wonderful books by Bill Sears MD, I would have surely jumped off a cliff by now!

This Month is Maria's Car Seat Challenge!

 Yes, that's right.  During the entire month of March,  I challenge you to LEAVE THE CAR SEAT IN THE CAR and CARRY YOUR BABY!  Of course you may use a sling, wrap or structured carrier.  Now, I don't want to hear, "What if he is sleeping?" Yes, even if he is sleeping!  Listen, 85% of the time I look into those seats the babies are awake;)  News flash - car seats are for cars!  When my kids were little (in the horse & buggy days-Lol)  we never took the car seat out of the car and nothing bad happened :)  I promise you, that if you left the car seat in the car and carried you baby to and from wherever your going, they would actually be accustomed to it and guess what ? ... Be a better and more flexible sleeper! 
I am not kidding when I say that the only advantage I'm ever told when I protest the bucket's ubiquity is that you can carry a sleeping baby in from the car. But, in my real-world observations, I've seen mostly awake babies carried around and set on the floor or the church pew or a table -- all those missed opportunities to attach, instead of detach, with your baby. Although, really, it would be fine to hold a sleeping child as well.

Here's another one: It's OK for your baby's face to feel the cool air or have the sun light shine upon it or even a rain drop or two to touch it.  How do these babies experience anything when the whole outside world is a zipper flap away?  

On a daily basis I see parents struggling to carry these infant car seats, and straining their bodies. I think to myself, "Why would someone choose to carry 20 lbs or more when they can carry 8 or 10?  Using your infant car seat as a carrier can be a killer on your wrists, elbow, lower back, and neck if you tote it by the handle or if you string it on your forearm like a handbag. “The greater the horizontal distance from the weight you’re carrying to your torso, the more stress on your joints, discs, ligaments, and muscles,” says Mary Ellen Modica, a physical therapist at Schwab STEPS Rehabilitation Clinics in Chicago, IL. “It’s equivalent to walking around with three or four full paint cans in one hand--something most people wouldn’t do, but they’ll carry a car seat that way.”


Come on, common sense tells us that neck, shoulder, rib cage, pelvis, knee and ankle problems can arise or aggravate old injuries from lifting a heavy load on only one side of your body repetitively. Similar strains occur when struggling to get the infant car seats in and out of cars.  It's not the breastfeeding positions or the holding of the baby.

 Trust me, being an ER nurse over the last 35 years, I know how important car seats are for infant safety but , for the car, not everything else!  New parents often look at me in shock when I pose the idea that they can actually carry their own baby instead of the bucket!  Like they never knew the option even existed!  Yes, the option does exist.  
 
 Now more about your precious cargo! Babies are very susceptible in early days of molding to their environment and a lack of movement results in decreased brain stimulation causing several long term effects.  Basic neurology states that the motor movement of the body drives the Sensory system which in turn develops the cerebral cortex(smart part of your brain). With the weight of a newborn's head on such a weak neck, lack of proper head support is very stressful on the nervous, skeletal and circulatory system. I have also observed new babies who have been left in these seats for too long with their heads becoming flat on one side, dropped over to one side or forwards.  Many parents comment, "He hates the car seat!"  Well, wouldn't you if you spent that much time in one?  Or If all you saw was a piece of fabric in front of your face instead of  the trees or clouds?  Honestly, what do we think we are protecting them from?  

Yes, a newborn's cranium or head is sensitive to flattening when left for too long in one position. This is not just an aesthetic point, the brain is resting within this cavity and the cranial bone movement determines how well cerebral spinal fluid circulates and bathes the brain and cord. A flattened occiput (back of the head) has been linked to SID's, nervous system, respiratory, digestive, cardiac and behavioural problems. I work with babies with colic, sleep issues, ear aches, breast-feeding problems and more and they always have cranial and upper cervical problems.    

Timothy R. Littlefield, MS is affiliated with an Arizona clinic that treats plagiocephaly (flattening of the skull).  In an article in the Journal of Prosthetics and Orthotics, he notes that 28.6 % of infants who attended the clinic spent 1.5-4 hrs daily in car seats or  swings and nearly 15 % were in them for more than 4 hrs a day.  Another 5.7 % were allowed to sleep in their car seats at night and for naps.
Littlefield observes that cranial distortion resulting from overuse of car seats and swings is more severe and complex than in children who develop plagiocephaly from back-lying on a mattress.



If that's not convincing enough read this story: Study: Infants Sleeping in Car Seats Could Be At Risk. It points out that the head flexion in car seats that are outside the car can restrict breathing in young infants. I believe that this is the study referenced in the article. A Google Scholar search turned up numerous other articles dealing with head injuries due to falls and overturning of the plastic carriers, plagiocephaly from spending too long in the seats, and many recommendations that these infant seats be limited to their proper use inside of cars only. Apparently, bringing them in not only exposes children to the dangers of falling out of them, but it also places them at more awkwardly upright angles that can threaten their airways.   

So listen to "the voice of reason" (maria)  and keep your babies moving, pick them up and carry them to and from the car and lay them flat in a bassinet or cradled in a sling. Or simply carry your baby in your arms, and your baby and you will both benefit. 


Infants transported that way use their head, neck, and shoulder muscles to stabilize themselves and establish stronger trunk stability. Those muscles develop sooner in babies who aren’t carried around in a car seat.  And then NO NEED for TUMMY TIME- that your baby dislikes.

With all of the physical, chemical and emotional stress that is on parents and babies these days, it is nice to know that we don't all have to "buy into" or subscribe to the incorrect use of these products. 
  
Conclusion: Products that are introduced to our western culture may be very convenient or look good but what is the long term cost to us and our environment?   Car seats are very good at doing what they are supposed to do: protecting children in the event of an accident .  But there is no evidence to suggest that staying in a car seat after the ride is over offers a child any benefit . 

Gratitude

A Mothers’ Prayer

Help me remember, when I feel it's a chore,

The time will come when I'll hold my baby no more,

Asleep on my chest, the crib refused, the blanket,

the pacifier, gone unused.

What better place is there to lay baby's head

Than against my heart, my arms her bed?

For children may leave us behind

With only memories left to remind us

Of midnight walking and predawn rocking,

Of sweet, nursing babies slumber to sleep.

So, keep me patient and keep me present

While I cradle this dear child,

And don't let me begrudge another long night

With this baby, my darling, my joy, my delight.

With thanks to the original author,,Jan Dunlap

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pertussis Epidemic or Whooped-Up Media Hype?

Do you know that many infants. children and adults will have a cough this winter?  Very, very few of them will actually have pertussis.  The "whooping cough threat" is just a media and health department exaggeration, saying it is an epidemic is totally inaccurate.

First of all, pertussis is a long, miserable disease and rarely is dangerous to very young babies.  Most people are not actually tested for the bacteria - it is assumed or treated as such.  There are other bacteria like, Parapertussis (rarely dangerous) that is not in the vaccine which may account for these illnesses.  Also RSV and lots of other viruses are more common causes of fall/winter sickness.

So when it is "reported" that someone died of pertussis it is difficult to confirm due to the inaccuracy of the diagnosis.  Media also needs to report that these deaths are usually exclusively in the underprivilaged families.  There should be open dialog from public health officials regarding risks of winter illness instead of cross-the-board scare tactics.

Don't panic and be "sucked in" by sensationalized media stories.  Just  use common sense:
breastfeed, eat healthy food, stay well hydrated, avoid crowds when practical, wash your hands and relax!

Remember, we all have an immune system which is in place to help us when we get sick.  Chances are, it will happen eventually.  This is normal, not harmful.  Sometimes I think it's purpose is to say, slow down, stop what you are doing and get some much needed rest!

Our Official Guardian Angel - Jordan Plaushinat

My favorite picture!



Sometimes we are graced by the presence of an earth bound angel.  They are sent as little gifts from God to guide, teach and enhance our lives but we never know the length of their stay. 

Even though, Jordan wasn't with us long (22 months) she touched the lives of so many.  Jordan was just like other kids, loved Elmo and Cookie Monster, books and balloons, helping her Mommy with the dishwasher and playing with her family and friends.



Who knew that this child would be chosen for greater duty?  Who knew she would now serve as a guardian angel for all our little ones?   None of us could have known or predicted or such a thing.....but we are glad to know she is there.

Jordan's bright smile, her contagious laugh and courageous personality will live on in all our hearts. Her life
serves as wonderful reminder of two things:
angels do exist and people may die but love never dies.

Dear Jordan,

Protect our little ones

when we cannot shield them;

Be by their side

when we are not present;

Wipe their tears

if we not know they weep;

Cool them
when their fever perists;
Lessen their pain

when we no longer can;

Sing to them

when we are weary;
Warm them
when their blanket has fallen;
Hold them close

when they are afraid;
Smile upon them
with your everlasting love.
Amen